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Cold Blooded Christmas
Jon Lajoie
Text File
Alrighty, this is my first tab so go easy on me.
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It was late at night on Christmas eve
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I was dreaming of the soft white snow
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I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
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What it was I did not know
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It was Santa Clause he was bringing me some gifts
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Unfortunately I did not know that
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So I quietly snuck up behind him
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And I shot him five times in the back
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It went Pow pow pow pow pow
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He said "what the fuck ow ow ow"
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Then I shot him three more times in the head
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Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead
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That's when I noticed his blood-soaked beard
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And his red suit filled with bullet holes
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I said "oh my god I killed santa clause
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I'm not going to jail for this asshole"
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So I went to my shed and I got my saw
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And I started to choppipty chop chop
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I started with his arms then his legs then his head
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And then the torso was a really long job
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And the blood went spurt spurt spurt
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It was really hard work work work
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It was hard cutting through his spine
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I must have vomited sixteen times
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I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace
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The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose
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Eleven hours later there was nothing left
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And that's when I heard my telephone
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It was Auntie Jean looking for Uncle Bob
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She said "He left the house dressed as Santa Clause
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But he didn't come home last night
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Have you seen him god I hope he's alright"
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